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I found an old note I wrote you. It made me smile and kinda cringe to be honest. "That love sick fool" I kept telling myself as I read it. No wonder you got scared and ran a bit from me lol. I think seeing that side of me, the romantic, had really caught you off guard. You were never use to someone speaking to you or about you in such a manner. The surprise that crept across your face when I "apologized" for flirting with you was pricless. Yes my love, it was a ploy lol. I wanted to truly test the water and I figured I had nothing to lose. I had fallen for you by first sight, We had lived together, shared moments and memories that are irreplaceable these past 8 years. I had fallen head over heals for my best friend and I couldnt keep it inside anymore. The shock you had frozen on your face was hilarious but damn did it make me nervous. I had noticed for years that you had a crush on me lol, but I was very loyal and also still very much in love with my wife, still am to this day. So I didnt react or acted dumb, but baby I noticed. I hid my feelings pretty fuckin well apparently! I had proposed polyamory to my wife and she understood and even was excited in many ways. I remember asking her thoughts on it and our convo about it. She had asked me "why now, after 13 years?". I told her honestly about my feelings and why. She smiled and happily agreed. So before you even knew, I had already asked and was already planning to pursue you. Now, You may be thinking " You mother fucker, You were that confident? I had been in a relationship with my boyfriend for awhile now and you choose now to play this game? I mean fuck! I live 2 hours away now....Im in school and hes talking about marriage." Well, I wasnt that confident and I was scared shitless! But....I couldnt fight anymore Shyann. It was either lose you forever by speaking my truth and move on or by a slim chance you would reciprocate. I loved your first reactions to me flirting, I admit I was rusty as fuck. I hadnt flirted in 13 years. Sure in my head lol but not actually in use. You caught it though and were quiet for a moment. The way your breathing picked up was cute, I knew you liked what corny words I had said. But you brushed it off thinking it was just your imagination. I laughed internally at this reaction but realized it wasnt a negative one. We continued to play xbox for awhile more and you were getting sleeping, I could hear you doing your long stretch so I decided to fire off another to make you think about it at night and question shit because you know...why not! lol. Same reaction and a bit of a giggle.

2 weeks pass, you come home for the weekend and pick me up for a cruise as usual .... but not really as usual. I could see you pull up and clean your car through the dining room windows. I watched you for awhile, admiring you and trying to think of what to talk about with you. Oddly you turned in perfect timing when I thought " I love you Shyann". I could swear you had seen me, I mean shit it even looked like you locked eyes with me. But apparently not, you turned back around to work on organizing your trunk. I was stunned and thought " could she fuckin see me?". I sprayed some cologne on and made one last adjustment to my "Im not trying to look nice I just happen to be wearing this casually" outfit then my wife made some checks and handed me a rose.

"why this?''
"so you have something to give her",
"My love I do not want to scare her",
"You wont, now hurry she is waiting''

I walked out to meet you at the car and asked if you had seen me in the window. you said no but that you thought you heard me call your name. The cruise was going well but kinda silent, so I figured fuck it what do I have to lose now. It was dark as we drove through the canyon, I could just see the greenish blue glow of the inner car lights on your face.

"Hey, I wanted to say that I'm sorry I flirted with you. I know that your with Andrew and I should respect that. I dont want to ruin our friendship with that."

My inner thoughts were running wild. The shock and confirmation that you expressed had me a little worried. Then I saw it, That blush just slowly grow across you face. You didnt speak, I think to mind blown. I thought this was a decent reaction so why not push just a bit more.

I said "Although, I dont know if I would be able to stop. I have had feelings for you for a while now''

You smiled, the cheesiest grin I have seen you do in quite some time. You said " Thats ok, I dont want to mess up anything either''.

The rest of the night went well and quick. You dropped me off and I kept wondering about your thoughts. So I started to be nosey, pulled out my tarot cards to peak a bit.
My wife, Kat, was just as curious and asking me excitedly how things went during our outing.

The cards said you were surprised but happy pretty much.

4 days go by and we are back on the xbox. I could feel that you were having fun and so I decided to toss another flirt out there. We were talking about going out on a double date and I told you " That sounds nice, Kat and I would really enjoy going out for the night with you guys. But, I would like to sometime take you out for dinner just the two of us."

You paused for a moment, I could hear your breath stop.
I was prepared for a no lol but it was your turn to catch me off guard. "Yes. Yes I would really like to do that with you".

My heart fuckin dropped. Did I just...succeed!?!?
My wife snapped me out of it with hand signals lol.
I replied "Awesome! I have wanted to take you out on a date for years". Just to confirm for myself that I wasnt just dreaming. You giggled and said "I have been wanting that for a long time too".

That note I left was from a love sick fool. A fool who has gone through mental and emotional hell for and because of you. I wouldnt change a thing though, thats what twin flames do is trigger each other. My love, you have made me grow in ways I never thought possible. You made me see and realize so many thing about myself and the world I live/lived in. Im thankful beyond words. We have never spoke about these things, but I know I have triggered you and I wonder on what and why several times. Hopefully one day soon. I love you my sweet gremlin.

Have you ever had one of those moments where you hear a song that unlocks a core memory? I just did, "move your body by eifel 65". Hadnt heard that in about 15 years. Took to my bedroom sometime in the mid 2000's. The walls painted lime green. its 3am and Im awake reading a fanfic or writing one. The window is open to a warm summer breeze and the Russian olive tree outside my window is in bloom. My lava lamp green and black bubbling in the corner while I sneak puffs off stolen cigarettes. Adult swim is playing cowboy bebop on my old translucent purple tv. I had a lot of my art pinned to the walls. Mostly cartoon characters at the time that i was obsessed with -Shego, Dr girlfriend, android 18. Good moments, in my weird teen years.

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ThanaNight
18:03 Oct 17 2022

My teen years were a bit like that but it was MTV, playing Headbangers Ball.

Lita Ford, Kiss, Death Leopard, Iron Maiden. Bon Jovi were just a few of the bands that trigger memories for me.

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Slow rain on a late night. I sit here enjoying the thunder that rumbles across the sky occasionally. This room I have created, I see what I have done now. I have recreated my safe space, my childhood room. The quiet place that held my mind and imagination captive for 20+ years. I find it to be slightly sad and pathetic. Has the trauma hit me this deep at this age. Or is it just a protective measure my mind has created? The way the air flows in through the window, the way the sound bounces from the walls, The feel of self. This room echos a distant memory of someone I once was. I lost who I was a long time ago, That me had been buried by disappointment and self hate. I felt alone but also never truly alone. I always felt watched and silently judged for every action. Shadow people played in the corners of that old room. Whispers of my name from many voices came all through the night. I could feel as if someone sat on the bed or touched my face as I drifted in and out of sleep as a child. I knew I was always a light to spirits and grew to find it oddly comforting in some way. This room Im in now almost mirrors that but now its full of spirits I choose to allow in. No strangers can follow past into my home. The gods watch me and this home. My light has grown from a beacon to a giant blaze of passion and power. I have started to accept the child within and the angry teen as well that haunts the halls of this shell called a body. The gods have woke me from a long waited trace. I am here, walking into the power they provided since birth. I thank them for the gifts and guidance they have given for without them I would have not ascended so quickly. I thank them for this second sight, for the gift of hearing the dead, for the blessing to heal with a touch or kind word, for the strength to push through all obstacles. I have finally found my place, my roots and my purpose.

So here we go again huh? I wanted to pick up a little bit where I had left off with describing the area. But I never really described me, well lol sometimes I cant even really describe myself. I am still learning as most people are day by day but I had a little pause in that development while growing up. For a quick summery I grew up taking care of my parents most of my life, whether that that be mental, physical, or emotional. I had to grow up quickly in ways others didnt and I do say it helped being a bit different and dare I say smarter than the other children of my age group. I learned to drive young at the age of 7 because of where we lived and how far it was from the hospital. My parents made it a point to teach me many things early because they were older and never had been in the best of health. Especially my mother who had a rare medical condition called "Toxoplasmosis Ghandi". You can google that and read up on it, kind of interesting I think. short story is its caused my parasites from felines and effects the fetus and usually causes deformityies of several kinds. My mom was lucky to be born with minimal issues. An enlarged heart and being a premie. But, the bugs as I called them never could be truly killed and would causes other health issues later in her life. Other than her body my mom had a pretty fuckin hard life I would think and had been through a lot of things that should have killed someone more than once.

My father struggled with Alcohol, drugs, childhood traumas, a major back injury caused by a semi crashing into him while he was on a fork lift (which I may get into later), liver failure, and prostate cancer.

So with those health concerns they through everything they could at me to absorb that they thought would be valuable.

I learned about auto mechanics from my father. He told me when I was young " I want you to know this shit so that you dont get ripped off by some dumb ass!". That knowledge has got me out of many situations where many females would freeze and panic in, now even men. Im proud of that honestly and enjoy being able to help my friends with mechanics when I can.

I learned how to cook early on as well and still enjoy it very much. They both were decent cooks while I grew up with them, At least in the younger years. Watching them communicate and work together to make something hold sweet memories for me. Those years were short unfortunately and moments like that rare. My mother started to go blind from the bugs eating her optical nerves, they started to attack her muscles and soft tissues. She was so strong, not just physically but mentally and emotionally as well. It was hard watching her decline over the years and I tried my best to pick up the slack.

I learned to garden with them and learned the value of growing my own food. The connection with nature and the earth. The smell of the soil as you dig deeper and the way it changes when the rain comes. How to care and communicate with each plant. Even though being in such a dry climate we had the most plentiful gardens. They were truly a gift to have as a child. I remember the warm summer sun on my face, the smell of the flowers floating in the air mixing with the cedar trees. Catching green caterpillars and cicadas. My mom would tie a string around the cicadas and we would "leash" them and watch them fly around us. Later giving them to our ducks who were more than delighted to feast on them. I still have this image of her in my head, about 35 in a blue summer dress with flower print, her floppy hat shading her rapidly tanning skin. That German blood made her skin look like a dark golden brown. Her green blue eyes shining up looking at me from a flower bed, peaking over heavy thick glasses. Her smile and laugh were unique and will forever be burned in my mind.

I learned how to paint and draw from my mother, though me nor my older half brother could ever compare to her. She painted murals a lot in her 20s around eastern Texas, mostly Lubbock and Amarillo areas. Portraits so life like and steady. Beautiful color combos as well. She use to do pinstriping for cars and bike clubs too. I always thought it was amazing and impressive for a woman who was going blind lol.
I think I got the color work while my brother got the darks and greys.

They had gotten me a tattoo gun when I turned 13, I fell in love with it instantly. Later tried out graffiti art and really enjoyed that too.

Along with art I got lucky and got my dads musical skill. I learned to play drums around 4ish and it was so natural. Later picked up guitar, bass guitar, singing, piano, and trumpet. I am still open to new instruments and Im trying out the lyre at the moment and hope to get a cello or violin sometime soon.

I had a big age difference between me and my brother who is the polar opposite of me. My relationship with him is very difficult to explain but that mostly comes from his childhood. We lived very different lives and had very different versions of parents. He is my mothers oldest child. He had a very hard past that later I will get to. It needs like its own chapter.

So with many hobbies, in the middle of nowhere and technically an only child. Lets say I got bored quite a bit. It pushed me to try new things, be self reliant, take care of myself and manage a home very early.
This also made me very anti social lol and distrusting of people. Even though I had loving parents there where some issues like every family. We are all just traumatized people raising traumatized people I think. You can try the best you can and thats about it lol.


So Im going to leave it here for now. You got a peak into " the house that built me". See ya next time

Well fuck thats a loaded diaper of a question, as I think it is for most people these days especially. Ill start off simple I guess with a little background and basic info.

I wont give my real name for starters lol. Not that Im shy, I prefer to look at it as "I don't want my shit being hacked and my identity stolen". Anyway haha, I am a small town person. That sounds so cliché right? But I will say that a town in Bumfuck New Mexico is quite the middle of nowhere. Less than 2k for a population and thats including the county not just the town. The town probably half or less than half. Everyone quite literally knows everyone or is related inn some way *Insert hilbilly joke here*. Not even a stop light and biggest store here is the general dollar. Now I imagine some of you are like "wow that sucks" and the other side going " I like the seclusion". Well Im on the second team of those perspectives. I always hated it while growing up but as I got older and got out a bit in the world I realized that its actually the best option for me. I couldn't be a city person, don't get me wrong I do enjoy visiting civilization and taking advantage of the conveniences but over all not for me. I need my mornings waking up to birds and a rooster crowing so loud he passes out from lack of oxygen. Now, this does not mean that Im a recluse . I love getting out and exploring. Road trips are the shit and seeing new things expands the mind. The land around here is considered "high desert" and not much greenery to be seen other than the shrubs we are pretending to call trees. But it does have its own beauty, sunsets you cant believe and unique destinations. My playground growing up was a canyon behind my childhood home, equipped with a creek and hidden places that kept me busy for countless hours exploring. My childhood home was unique for around here, not just because what it was but because of where it was located. Right at the top of the whole town, looking out those big living windows at night to see the glow of the lights and the highway kept my gaze and imagination engaged for many years. I still does when I take those moments to stand there now as an adult, takes me to a nostalgic place saved somewhere in my mind. It was a 3 bedroom 2 bath on 3 acres but there was really no other neighbors around us for years. The town was about 3 miles away from us which was nice. Especially being a musician that space is great. you can turn up the volume all the way up at 3 am and no complaints. Over time people started to move onto the other lots but still comfortably distant. My mother whom Im convinced was a natural witch, could grow the most beautiful gardens that shouldn't have been possible in such a climate. It was great being able to walk through all those gardens when they were at their prime. Seeing the wild life come through was also a blessing I miss and didnt truly understand until I got older. I miss those days and if i could take a magic pill to return, just for a few minutes I would in a heart beat. I will say I will speak a lot about my parents. My mother passed away august 1st this year and it has been a painful experience. She was an amazing woman and I have so many stories about her that will throw you through all your emotions. But, one step at a time right? Ill just work on building for now until we get to the meat of everything.

Hey look at you! you made it all the way through my bs! *puts gold star on your forehead*. But no seriously thanks and I hope to see you around for more bs ;)

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whowho
14:45 Oct 08 2022

Thank you for sharing. For some people, what you you described - the desert, the silence, the sunsets, the rooster "passing out" (give the little fella some cpr, pleeeease! lol) - all seems like heaven.

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Well hello who ever decided to read this. I will say at the beginning Im doing this for me and not so much to entertain others. If you find comfort in my words and find yourself enjoying my musing I do thank you. In any case I wish you well and hope that this finds you well. Welcome to my inner thoughts